NOTE: Everyone's physical mobility is different, so please consult your doctor or PT with this topic, as they will be able to assess and deal with your situation and desires the best.
I love babies. I've found the OB/GYN field absolutely fascinating since I was 7 years old. But because of my mobility difficulties, I've always been shy around them, especially when someone asks if I'd like to hold one. Because of my high muscle tone, weight on my arms or legs can trigger spasms, varying in intensity. I also only have the use of one arm, so when I was little I'd hold a baby in my right arm. My arm would involuntarily tense up from spasms, and I was always worried I'd hurt the baby without meaning to. As I got into high school, the idea of dating was all around me and so whenever I saw a baby at this time in my life, I'd get lightheaded. I'd wonder how I would be as a mother or a wife. The thought of not being able to hold my own child, scared me and I was afraid that if I accepted help from my loved ones, that I'd be a burden.
I'd also get jealous. I'd be at an appointment or in a restaurant and a little baby would be learning how to walk, his parents cheering him on. My mom would be sitting next to me, smiling and saying how cute he was. I'd get knots in my stomach. It's not fair, I'd think to myself. That's not fair that he gets to walk so soon and I've been waiting my whole life for that!
When a friend of the family got married and the couple welcomed their daughter, I wanted to love her, to share in their joy, but I was overcome with storms of "what if" thoughts, and honestly, it hurt me to see her at first. I remember praying to God one night about it. I verbally told him that it wasn't right for me to feel this way, and that my heart felt like it was being stomped on. At that time in my life, it felt like life was just rubbing all my dreams in my face and saying, "look what you can't have!"
These thoughts were consuming me. I suffered many sleepless nights and when I did sleep, I'd have nightmares. I'd think, I'm 17, isn't that a bit young to be thinking so far into the future? I didn't tell anyone my feelings for awhile because of this. I didn't want to be embarrassed. Then, finally, I told my counselor, who worked with me through the birth of our friend's daughter. She told me that it was natural to think about the future, and about what it might hold, especially because being in a wheelchair has taught me to think ahead and be prepared as much as possible. She had me write a note to my friend and tell her how I felt.
I was very honest and told her that I wanted to be a part of her daughters life and to be a blessing to their family, but I told her, "I'm not sure how. I need to conquer this insecurity, but I'm nervous." I told her very honestly how I had been feeling about her daughter, and when I sent the note, I was a bit worried that she'd write back condemningly and hurt. I don't think I slept at all that night. When she wrote back, I paused a moment, bracing. She wrote, "Bless you, Sarah! I can't imagine how tough this must be. I understand that you feel scared. I'm so blessed that you told me this! How about you come over to hang out with me, [my son] and the baby sometime soon, and I can help you get used to working with younger kids? How does that sound? You're God's best."
I had the biggest exhale. I wasn't sure whether to cry or to laugh, so I just trembled and thought, first step, first step. Knowing that my friend knew how I felt, helped me calm down. The next time I sar her baby, I just smiled. I smiled, that's all I did. I'd find myself looking away a lot, but I smiled the best I could. Then I began to wave. And from there, I would say hello. Baby steps (no pun intended).
I'd say to myself, be blessed to be a blessing. Be thankful for them. Be the example you'd want to be for your younger self. A few months later, I hadn't even gotten to do the play date thing yet, and I'd just sit in my wheelchair and watch my friend and hear her baby laugh, and I'd think, one day, I'd like to be the kind of mother she is. The problem isn't out there; it's in the heart, in the mind.
I continued to talk to my counselor and I'd use affirmations. Then I started a vision board about my future family on Pinterest. I'd pin photos of different poses parents had done with their babies and also made a board full of assistive technology, and would pin things about wheelchair moms. I found some really clever inventions on there.
Today, I have almost 700 pins about assistive technology and wheelchair parenting. I also made a "Dream It, Live It" board on Pinterest (open to the public) specifically as a way for me to envision life without my wheelchair. I post photos of people dancing and using both hands. I post other dreams of mine, as I believe for my healing, and I've just begun posting healing updates about my hand. I keep the picture of walking with my friend's daughter up and down her driveway, holding her hand, and I picture playing with their young son whenever he asks, and not having to say I can't do something because of the wheelchair, or because I can't use my right hand that well. I have a porecelin doll that weighs as much as a real baby and sometimes I keep it on my lap to get used to having weight on my arm or knees.
My friend's son is 6 now and he has been so comfortable with me. He runs up to me and hugs me and initiates conversation or asks me to play with him. He's all excited, as he keeps coming up with ideas for my wheelchair, so that I can play with him. He loves pushing my chair and bringing me toys and he makes me laugh so much.
MY TIPS FOR LOSING THE INSECURITY OF RAISING A FAMILY & WHY:
1.) Be realistic: how much sense does your worrying make? Do you have "every reason" to have these concerns?
2.) Understand that you are worthy: you deserve your desires! You deserve to be happy and blessed. You are worthy of them.
3.) Accept the saying "in time...": just because you don't have a certain desire right now, does not mean that you won't have it tomorrow, or a week later, or even next year. Say to yourself, "my time will come, in good time."
4.) Make vision boards: make handmade boards or get an account on Pinterest, and start putting your desires down in pictures and written word. Look at those boards often. Never hurts to plan a little ahead now, does it?
5.) Face it, Embrace It or Smash It: No really! Don't just say, "hi, by..." - face that fear, hold your head up and go, "well, hello there!" Depending on the nature of your fear you may need to embrace whatever worried you, (babies, etc) or smash it (killing your first spider, for example). Which fear deserves to be embraced and become a blessing, and which fear deserves to be smashed and a thing of the past? It's important that you know which category your fears belong in, before the right healing process can begin.
6.) Realize kids sense insecurity: young kids especially can often sense insecurity, that is why it's imperative that you make a conscious effort to "fake it, till you make it." Smile, regardless. Be blessed.
7.) Talk Honestly: In private, tell the parent(s) how you feel and tell them that you'd like their support in facing these fears or doubts. Suggest a "play date" with the kids, or ask that they (or guests) refrain from just placing the baby on your lap without your consent, because you'd like to ease into it. Talk in a loving manner.