I continue to stand in awe of the power of music. Without music, I believe I'd be locked inside my head with no way of truly releasing all of my emotions, thoughts and memories. I always say it's not that I can write incredibly well, it's the music in the background that holds the reigns. I mean that. I cannot verbalize something as well as I would write it. Music is my fuel for writing my book, blog posts, speeches and journal entries. I feel that music moves my soul, in ways my body has never physically been able to. I can never tell a scribe to write down additions to my book or jot down what I want to say in a speech, because I don't just think it... I feel it... Music opens the door for me to explore the hidden vaults of who I am.
That being said, take a listen to "Batman Begins: Tardarida" on YouTube, and when you're done, continue reading this post.
Because I'm very limited with the amount of things I can disclose to my readers about my bullying experiences, the music will be able to say what wasn't said. You are all aware from previous posts, that I endured some very low and dark times in my life due to illness, depression, bullying and incredible loss. You are also aware of what occurred on Monday, October 27th. While I spoke to my friend, Henry about the traumas in my childhood and adolescence, I was hit by memory after memory as if they were replaying on the backs of my eyelids. Yes, these traumatic events were only small grooves compared to years of joy and laughter, I wish to make that clear. My parents have been very supportive of me as I heal, and I'm very grateful.
Though I told my parents of the events that shook me, and also received therapy from counselors for it, I was never so relieved of the emotional pain than when Henry was kneeling beside me, rubbing my arm, holding my hand and drawing the hurt from my heart to his. As I told him that he had been my refuge while all these things were happening, he was humbled and stunned; he had no idea what was going on, because I never let on for years. I was always smiling, subconsciously shoving away the events as they came, refusing to acknowledge them, even to him. After nearly four years of no contact with him, Monday we reunited and I had made up my mind to tell him everything that made me look up to him so much.
Watching him just stay right next to me, blinking tears back, I felt the chilly Autumn air swirl outside and heard the leaves rain down under the clear black sky. I stared straight ahead or at my hands in my lap, as I told him. At last, he weaved our fingers and ran his thumb across my thumb as I trembled from the chill and knowledge that I was finally able to connect with someone who empathized with me like I'd never seen before. A couple times, I had to lean forward against the passenger seat and gather my composure all over again. Henry stayed very quiet and present, simply using his touch to say "Let it go..." A few times he told me to scream, but I couldn't. I held my breath as I'd always done whenever I was in pain or afraid.
Just by speaking to him of the great obstacles I'd faced, I was almost able to see everything in third-person. I felt like I was a fly on the wall, hearing a young lady tell her story of grief, resilience, hope, triumph, trauma and thankfulness, and realizing that she had several layers beneath the surface... That her heart had been torn, stitched, ripped again, scarred and calloused. It had experienced delight and promise and love and grace abundantly, which were the reasons why she still could smile and say, "Life truly is how you look at it". But the real healing that night took place when that girl understood that it was okay to acknowledge both the joy and the pain within reason and balance, because both came together to build the present version of herself - me. A dear friend of mine said, "When you can tell you're story without crying, it's ready to be heard." You shouldn't tell of the negatives in your life unless you ensure two things prior: 1.) There's profit in telling them (emotional healing, safety, forgiveness), and 2.) It is a way of hearing and inspiring others and not just for yourself to vent.
It took me so long to come forward about what had been happening to my heart, because I was really young and unsure of what telling would do. When someone dear to me told me they too, had struggled through very similar life-changing experiences as I had, I remember wanting to embrace them and be there to listen to them. But then I thought that they would tell me if or when they were ready, and only if they saw me as the right person to tell. There are some things in your heart that are only for you and God to know. But that is why I discretely and occasionally talk about my traumas or medical struggles publicly, because even if someone doesn't express that they are fighting the same pains, they know in their heart they aren't alone. I don't tell of my hurt for others to "pity" me, rather to let it be known that healing and forgiveness and growth is still possible.
MY TIPS FOR HOW TO ACKNOWLEDGE & TELL OF TRAUMA TO BEGIN HEALING, & WHY:
1.) Write it down: Put on some instrumental music that's fitting to the memories you're trying to tell, as you write, and be honest, be open, be free to include as much detail as possible. Expose yourself all over again to the event(s) that were traumatic, with the intention of acknowledging that yes, this/these things did happen to you, and it's not okay. Once you've done this, take it to a counselor so that you can relay the experience(s) to them easier, to begin treatment.
2.) Understand it's not your fault: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You did not and do not deserve to be treated as someone less important, lovely and capable, either in reality or nightmares. I will say though, that once you've acknowledged the trauma(s), it is now in your hands how you wish to react to and deal with the pain.
3.) Talk to a medical professional first before a loved one: It all depends on the situation, but I recommend speaking to a trusted medical professional about your pain, before you tell loved ones, simply because loved ones cannot stay objective. It may be the healthiest option for you to discuss with a counselor how to tell your loved ones, and not the other way around. There are exceptions however, like if a parent or guardian needs to help a minor get in contact with and receive confidential counseling.
4.) Let it out: Let yourself cry and scream in the appropriate and safest setting, to avoid burying the pain further which could be very unsafe. Safely release any anger, guilt or blame through crying. Tell yourself that it is absolutely normal and okay for you to be upset, and that once crying takes the edge off of your pain, allow trusted professionals, loved ones and The Lord to support you in filling that hole with love, patience, and therapy. To let out your feelings, you don't always have to cry or scream. You could take a brisk walk outdoors, take a warm bath or simply ask for a long and endearing hug.
5.) Don't worry about the consequences: When you're sure you're telling the right person or people (i.e. parents, counselor) the details of the hurtful event(s), you do not need to worry about what will happen to the person or those who caused your pain; they will not be harmed. They will either be supervised by medical professionals or law enforcement, and help will be offered to them, so that they can heal too. Do NOT tell anyone of the details if you suspect they will forward what you've told them to the wrong ears. Make sure you're telling someone who's objective and who's motive is only to help ensure safety and healing, and encourage forgiveness.
6.) Forgo disclosing the event(s) publicly: Don't stand before a crowd, either in person or on social media and tell of your experience(s), without first weighing the pros and cons. What's the profit? Are there people who'll hear you who could spread rumors or harm you or another person because of what you've said? Will those listening validate your pain, support you and respect any identities and privacy? Your counselor will be able to help you decide if it's safe, healthy and profitable to tell your experience(s) publicly, but will urge you to not give too much detail about the event(s) or others who may be involved. Remember, not everyone needs to know everything on your heart.
7.) Contradict the negative thoughts: This may be hard, but begin a habit where you either think to yourself or verbalize the contradiction to a negative thought about yourself, or even anyone who may have hurt you in some way. Give love, not to receive it back, but to set the example. Another thing you can do, is start telling your counselor a "New & Good" event that happened during the week before you both have to discuss difficult things. In doing this, you will be training your mind to first say that which is good and edifying, before letting yourself face troubles.
8.) Advocate against it: Whether you were severely bullied, endured a sudden death, etc., once you have learned to heal the wound, let the scar prompt you to begin helping others going through similar things. Start fundraisers, public speaking, or mentoring. Empower yourself and others to rise above anger, sadness and the potential yearning for revenge, so that you can prevent further events from happening. Don't fight a fire with fuel. Don't just cut the top of a weed off. Take the whole thing out. Show others healthy, safe and effective ways for coping with and overcoming trauma.