For 15 years, I was verbally and emotionally degraded by one person in particular. I especially know how words can hurt. Almost every day this person would find something to tease me about or do something that would upset me. They were good at reducing me to tears, and there were times that I would find myself actually screaming at them. I didn't know this person had against me. Sometimes they would make "cripple jokes" or shake their head at me out of the blue for no other reason but to upset me. The names they called me and their insensitive remarks began to stick by the time I was 12. Without knowing I was doing it, I was labeling myself with what they said. I began defining who I was based on their opinion of me, and little by little this ate away at my heart and emotional health like acid.
The adults in my life could only do so much, as it was unavoidable to be in the said person's presence everyday. Eventually, when it was certain that my physical safety wasn't at threat, I was told to "just ignore". How can you ignore something that is literally in your face everyday? I was encouraged to "let it go" when the person upset me, but the truth was, everything they said soaked inside me like a sponge. Even if I did ignore them in the moment, the words would surface in my mind when I wasn't distracting myself. I often said, "but they made me..." It felt like my thoughts and feelings were being controlled by the bullying.
Truth is, no one can "make you" feel a certain way or do a certain thing just by saying something; you have to make the decision to accept or obey. Most of the time, our decisions are made in a split second, meaning we do something without thinking, while in reality, we are thinking to do that.
That's why it became incredibly necessary for me truly be aware of every thought that crossed my mind. I had to make a concious effort to be ready to combat negativity, and when something did come, I forced myself to step back and chose my reaction in the moment. I needed to realize that there was always a reason behind someone's actions, no natter how noticeable the reason was.
It is pretty fair to say that people who tebd to bully others feel insecure about themselves, and that by putting others down, they feel they are gaining power - they feel as though they don't have control in their life, so by being mean to others, they have control. And it doesn't matter what kind of control either, just as long as they have it.
I liken bullying to a tennis match in that both the giver and receiver might throw negativity back at the other; the bully for power; the victim for defense. So long as both are shouting or fighting back, no matter what their reason being, the game isn't over and no one wins. In this case, the bully should never win, but in order to ensure this, the victim must keep the ball in their court.
MY TIPS FOR DEALING WITH BULLYING AND WHY:
1.) Understand why - without knowing why something is the way it is, you can never make it better. Know the probable causes behind the bullying so you know how to defend yourself.
2.) Keep the ball in your court - the urge to verbally or physically "defend" yourself will be high. As hard as this may seem, don't lead on that you are upset.
3.) Filter and Choose - the moment a thought enters your head, assess it's truthfullness. If it is simply an attack from the bully or self-condemnation, turn it around with the truth. Consciously choose how you will react in every situation, because in the end, you're the tougher of the two for standing strong.
4.) Distinguish between defense and acting out of vulnerability - the proper defense to take against a bully is to tell a trusted authority figure right away. You can do this discretely and sometimes ananomously. Acting out of vulnerability means you are not assessing the pros and cons of your decisions, and this could weaken your case if you decided to report the situation later. It's better to not fight back, because an authority figure will know that the treatment was against your will completely.
5.) Forgive & Forget - this might make you cringe, but this is the first and most important part of the healing process. To forgive does not mean you are being too passive, it shows humility. You may not literally forget what happened, but the forgiving part of this mostly means you are willing to never bring it up again. You are willing to give the bully a new slate, a second chance. By forgiving and forgetting, you will be a great example of how others should act. (For more on this, click here)