A few days ago, I was unusually worried about going to the annual fair with Dylan, a friend of mine. I was very self-conscious. In order to go on the rides, Dylan had to carry me on and off and it took a few minutes to get out of my chair and secured on the ride.
People would be looking at me and would be eager for the ride to start, and I hated the idea of being the cause of the hold up. My counselor asked, "what do you think I'm going to say?" I quieted and started fiddling with my fingers in my lap. In that silent moment, my legs felt exceptionally combersome. Why couldn't I just go on the rides like everyone else, and throw my hands up in the air and not have to worry about whether or not I'd be strong enough to stay upright?
After about a minute of hesitant, glances and blushing, wondering what she was going to say, my counselor simply said: "tough shit". I was completely shocked, now making full eye contact with her. I felt like I had just gotten cold water dumped on me while half asleep, and I suddenly was wide-eyed awake. "The only reason they look is because they are wondering why the ride hasn't started yet. It's not that they're judging you. And if your undwear ends up showing a little, so what? Everyone has that happen. If that happens, tell yourself "okay, you saw it, now move on..."
We burst out laughing. "You're going. You're going on some rides and you're going to let yourself have fun. Dylan doesn't feel burdened, otherwise he wouldn't be going with you every year. He's doing this because he knows how important it is for you to have fun, and he knows that with his help, you can do what you want to. If for some reason, the others don't see that, then 'tough stuff'. It's their problem, not his... Not yours."
At the last minute, I made plans to start filming for the documentary at the fair. I thought about how I felt when I got self-conscious, and about what things I would sacrifice if I stayed within my comfort zone to "not be a burden to others".
There is one ride out of a select few at the fair that I can go on, called the "Music Express". It's just like the "Himalaya", but doesn't tilt. It spins super fast, and causes you to fly toward the left side. There's a safety bar that goes across you, to keep you in, but my high muscle tone makes it that much more difficult to stay seated. Before the ride started, I pointed out a warning sign on the back of the seat in front of us that read, "standing up while ride is in motion is prohibited for your safety." Dylan and I laughed.
I kept reminding myself of the two words that my counselor said. I found that by crossing my hands like an X, helped me better grasp the safety bar, and Dylan figured out how to position himself to better keep me from landing in his lap. Seeing the camera recording us on the ride helped me appreciate the moment, and though some watchers might've found it a little strange to see a girl hanging on the safety bar for dear life while the others were throwing their hands in the air, there was a huge smile on my face and my feet were bouncing from clonis.
I looked over at Dylan and was overwhelmed with gratitude. I thought about why God sent him into my life when He did. I had nearly succeeded at taking my life when we met, and here I was, screaming and laughing and proud of myself for not taking life for granted in that moment.
MY TIPS ON HOW TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO HAVE FUN AND WHY:
1.) Be grateful for what you have - appreciating what you have will help you stay positive. Jealousy often hinders us from believing that we have it in us to do great things and have the happiness that others have
2.) Realize that happiness is individualized - we are all different in every way. What blesses another, might not bless you. Find out what makes you feel happy and accepted and do it. Other people's opinions about whether it is fun, hold no weight, because you are your own person and have different interests and dislikes than others.
3.) Keep your dreams limitless, but realistic - it is not fair to say that you can do anything you set your mind to, unless the goals are realistic. Being realistic will help keep you happy and you will not be setting yourself up for disappointment if your dreams are actually achievable. Let your dreams be limitless within reality and challenge yourself.
4.) Think about the future - have a "I'll do it so I won't regret it" attitude. Looking back to the challenging days will show you that you chose to live life to the fullest and get the most out of every moment.
5.) Give and share - giving out of a good heart helps us feel needed, and sharing, helps others feel worthy and appreciated. Share your happiness with the right heart and do so expecting nothing in return. Putting a smile on someone else's face should be rewarding enough, and will bless you long after the particular act of kindness is done.