When I think about this topic I think about my friendships with Henry and Graham, as well as my formerly-estranged relationship with a bully. In short, my relationship with Henry was unconventional in many ways, especially due to the 15-year age difference between us. Within our 8-year friendship, he gave me undivided attention and taught me meaningful things regarding life and being content with who I was and who I was becoming. At the time, Henry was always rationalize my thoughts and helped me understand that only I had ultimate control over my life. But when I was 15, for reasons not entirely known, he left my life completely. I had no closure as to why, and no time to say goodbye. It had been so abrupt that I felt such an emptiness in the wake of his sudden absence. Though my family and other friends tried to be as supportive and comforting as possible, they never understood why I thought of his friendship as being so needed. I felt like I face planted in a puddle of mud. At first, I was angry, thinking, "what kind of friend would do this?!"
It happened at the start of January, 2011. For the next 9 months, I fell into a deep depression and experienced sudden negative health changes, and tried to take my life. That's when Graham came into the picture. Before he even saw me, when I first saw him, an almost supernatural feeling of peace and hope rose up inside me. I just seemed to know that, no matter what life was going to throw at me from now on, everything would be OKAY. Through Graham's friendship, I learned more about God's unconditional love in one month, than I ever had before... And I believed it.
But when God knew that I could begin to stand up for myself and begin to trust Him more, Henry was replaced by Graham, who reaffirmed those things via Scripture. Graham started taking me to events and showing me what it was like to be a kid and go on fair rides and love life. Graham also often pushed me out of my comfort zone, and God knew that because I thought so highly of Graham, that I would follow through, and it was because of Graham's "tough love" that I learned to do things I never thought I could. I took 7 completely independent steps in the middle of the room under Graham's supervision and encouragement.
While I still had this newly profound faith in God and believed that He wanted the very best for me, I still was facing bullying from someone who was inevitably close to me. Nearly every day for the last 12 years, this person had found things to say to me that put me down and degraded me. They used yelling to assert their power over me and I often blamed myself for them being upset. Though I sort of knew that they were putting me down to build themselves up, I still subconsciously labeled and limited my potential based on what they said about me.
I learned during this time, about forgiveness and resilience. Slowly, slowly, I began to show the bully love and forgiveness, even though I probably had every right to be angry at them. As I came to terms with Henry's absence, I was able to embrace the budding friendships that God put into my life to help me in different ways, reach my goals. And as I did this, my heart began to heal and pick up the pieces. I began to love myself in the image of God and trust that He was always beside me and before me. Over the next couple years, the person that bullied me, began to seek my advise on personal matters and felt equal to me and more important, and vice-versa.
God knew that for the first 8 years of the bullying, I would just need to vent and have a friend. Henry had begun the process of shedding those negative reflections through giving me his ears and shoulder whenever I needed him. But then it was time to let myself experience light and happiness and overcoming insecurities. Graham proved to me what I was truly made of and that I deserved love and purpose. And the person that bullied me had taught me about turning the other cheek, respecting myself and setting boundaries. I learned how to guard my heart and allow myself to enjoy my uniqueness and the ways that I blessed those around me, including loved ones and "enemies".
MY TIPS FOR GETTING THE MOST OUT OF EVERY RELATIONSHIP & WHY:
1.) Distinguish between "markers" and "stickers" - Henry was a marker, while Graham is a sticker. Some friendships are only needed temporarily to help you get through rough patches. Others are permanate, because those friendships are meant to see you through to the end. Each type however, has a purpose and be distinguishing between the two can help you through the pain of losing a friendship.
2.) Realize all relationships prepare you for the future - every relationship shows you 4 things, what you want, what you don't want, how to love and how to face mountains. All of your relationships teach you valuable lessons. They might toughen you up, reaffirm your worth or just be a shoulder to lean on for a time.
3.) Befriend yourself - as much as it is important and awesome to have friendships and other relationships with other people, before you can be a true benefit to someone else, you first need to learn how to accept, appreciate and encourage yourself. You want to make sure that you walk your talk and are a truly positive influence for others.
4.) Learn from the past, don't live in it - if you are living in your past, remember that you are missing out on all the blessings in the here-now. What's done is done. Guilt and anger will limit your growth and potential. It will keep you from getting new friends that are the type of friends you want. If a relationship taught you what you don't want, that can be a help to you. Be grateful that it taught you how not to be and that it will help you notice the good in people quicker, because you'll know right off the bat that a particular friendship is good.
5.) Set appropriate boundaries - know who you are and what you stand for. Honor yourself and the other in your relationship by setting and sticking to healthy boundaries. By doing this, you minimize the chances of getting hurt and feeling regret.
6.) Give, regardless - forgive and move past a struggle in a relationship. Show love regardless and set the positive example. If a relationship is harmful, leave it gracefully and don't come back to it unless the other reflects the example you set. Love them though, and let God take care of the rest.