I started feeling like I was a "freak." And like every other girl going through puberty, I wasn't entirely comfortable with the noticeable changes going on with my body. I thought that I was physically maturing faster than other girls, but what I didn't realize at the time was that this thinking was understandable. My mother and caregivers were constantly having to see me naked, dress me, lift me in and out of the bathtub, hand me my deodorants and eventually, shave my underarms.
That's when I would often find myself thinking about married life: who would want to help their wife shave?? This thought scared me and I soon found myself trying real hard to hide beneath my clothes. By the time I was 15, there were very few days that I would go out in public not wearing a zipped up hoodie and long pants to cover my knees (because I was embarrassed that my kneecaps were higher than usual).
I did however, imagine myself wanting to wearn ice things like dresses, and high heels, but then I'd think, "dresses are bad. You'll need extra help in the restroom," and I'd say no to the dress that mom was holding. I'd think, "high heels are bad, too because you scuff them up within a week and you'll trip."
By my sophomore year in high school, i was becoming increasingly anxious about wearing my hair uncovered in public. I had always hd a deep interest in the Amish lifestyle, and respected their modest beliefs, and I will admit to having been extremely influenced by this. I went out and bought several bandanas to cover my hair outside of school. Soon, I found myself convincing my mom to let me wear a camisole under any shirt. Even though I had often been complimented on my left arm strength, I didn't want my arms to show from the elbow up because I felt awkward having one arm a lot stronger than the other and thought that my left [arm] muscles showed more because I was so weak in my right.
I got to the point where I would wear my camisoles and/or jackets and hoodies no matter what the temperature outside and my teachers were worried that I'd get over heated. My doctor also became concerned with my anxiety levels. And so I started going to a phycologist. I told her that if I had it my way, I'd cover myself from head to toe, including my hair. I told her that when I wore my Amish uniform, I was happy and it didn't bother me to look in a mirror. I loved the feeling and look of the Prayer Kapp on my head and I felt really modest and polite.
She told me that it was okay for me to continue to wear the Amish garb, but I would need to work on facing my fears. She encouraged me to take a step back and view myself completely confident in who I am. I pictured myself married and modest, but still confident enough that I could go out in publicwithout a hoodie. I pictured myself still being able to wear what I wanted, when I wanted in moderation. I pictured myself feeling absolutely beautiful and able to take time out to relax and reflect.
Now 17, I still wear my bandanas and hoodies and camisoles, but I am able to apply power thoughts to my life to create what I want every moment to look like. I appreciate every second that I am in, thinking only on that very second. I don't forget my dreams or my past, but just decide to let the moment take me to where I see myself going. I am very comfortable in my spiritual beliefs now and love loving and serving God.
Prayer is something that has been a huge help in my emotional healing. I love being able to talk to God as a best friend. I feel no guilt or shame when I speak with Him, because I know He forgives and forgets and knows all about me. He knows why I do what I do, and is right there to say, "hey, sweetie, sit. relax. I'm here for you."
If you'd like to learn more about power thoughts, particularily, take a look at my facebook notes ----> https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/notes/cp-advocates-of-the-world/we-want-your-positive-affirmations/256676694345313
Some power scriptures I have used: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." | Facebook fan affirmations: Kayla Rigney I make it a point to share my quiet Gifts (especially my Words) with others, because, true Gifts, like Love, are given freely and without condition. Katherine Reed I will not regret yesterday, life is in me today & I make my own tomorrow. Monica Baker I am Whole, Here ♥ NOW ♥ Always ♥ |