Since yesterday, I have been a bit blue. I haven't felt really down because of my CP in a long time, but yesterday, I wanted to go buy a pair of sound-reducing headphones for school, and get my hair trimmed or cut... something different for senior year. But I reluctantly cut about 4 inches off and felt so naked. I loved my long hair a lot and afterward, I felt like I had let go of something that I had cherished for a long time.
Then when I bought a pair of headphones to try out, they turned out to be foldable and impossible for me to put them on with one hand. I tried, but they got stuck around my neck and then I got really irritated. When mom got them off, she was trying to be positive, but then a fountain of sadness rushed up inside me and I yelled, "I can't even put on a pair of dang headphones by myself!" I started balling my eyes out and punched the seat, and mom tried to comfort me.
In that moment, I thought about the time when I was real young and got super angry because I couldn't walk and how my caregiver sat with me and rocked me in her arms and told me all this would make me stronger. Or the times that I got tangled in my clothes or had to have my Sophomore aide feed me my lunch because my left hand was too tight and tired from compensating for the lack of usage in my right arm.
I just felt really out of place and sad and wished that I could will myself to wake up and find that all of this had been a bad dream.
My mom thinks my hair looks great, but I do feel like I would if I did something wrong; my long hair is gone and I feel really unsure about it. I want to like it, but I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not.
My dad talked to me and reminded me that I'm God's child. He also assured me that I look my age and that my senior year will be great. Mom says that my hair isn't all that short at all, that it just feels like it because I hadn't cut my hair in a long time and just need to get used to it. I guess they're right, it's not that bad, and just because I want to try something different doesn't mean I'm not me or that it will never grow back 4 inches.
I don't know... maybe today will cheer me up. At least I can return the headphones and get different ones.
Just one of those days, I guess.
Today will be better, I'm sure.